My lost

Good-bye Mummy,

Two months and fifteen days ago, my mother passed away. The lady who gave birth to five children is gone, forever.

It still sounds so unrealistic to me, and of course hard to accept. Since her death, my life was suspended. I could not find the will to get up in the morning, concentrate on reading, writing and do things for my business. Since she left us, I had the impression a part of me left with her.

I know, when you lose a loved one, it takes time to accept the loss and leave space for grief.

Luckily, as an entrepreneur managing her time, my situation allowed some intervals for processing. Then it happened. I stopped all my activities; cried a lot and among other things, felt regret for not having been more present for her…

My father passed away seven years ago. It was very tough. And now I have too, lost my mother. I was completely disoriented and lost all motivation. Even as an adult, you can have a feeling of abandonment when your parents left this world. I was worried that I would never leave this state, this emptiness.

Questions arose with her death. I could definitely feel an explosion of emotions. I was then left with 2 choices; be a victim of my emotions or use each particular moment to face them.

As confronting and painful as each situation was, I choose to use each time as an opportunity to explore my emotions; ultimately moving towards healing the relationship with my mother.

I know, it is a shame to wait for people to die to find peace in our relationship with them.

I developed a deep appreciation for the fact that parents (especially my mother) could awaken very deep emotions. The explanation might be because, it all starts in the womb. Our mother is giving birth to us. Generally, she is the one who feeds us and takes care of our physical needs. Inevitably, there is a deep connection borne.

I would categorize my relationship with my mother as “not so easy”. There was a distance between us for a number of years. I am not talking about the physical distance here, even if there was one due to the fact that she was living in France and I, in Luxembourg.

I am talking about an emotional distance. Our communications and interactions were rousing some negative emotions inside me. As these emotions were intangible, they become painfully hard to deal with. I was convinced I was working on it by distance, and this was sufficient. But I have now realized that this was an excuse. An excuse that allowed me to avoid facing my emotions, and I preferred to maintain this state until she died.

Until of course, “BOOM”, no choice! Just what I did not want to see, exploded. But this time, no excuses. Finally, for my well-being, I could not escape these emotions that continued to block my personal life and my precious relationship with my mother.

As you can imagine, it’s very difficult to deal with one’s own emotions. But I have now grasped the recognition that this is the key to peace. It takes tremendous courage to touch our feelings and explore our emotions. Especially those awakened by the lady who gave birth to you; which is perhaps governed by the possibility that these are emotions that stem from childhood, and the ones that you never quite express.

Perhaps, as adults, confronting such emotions becomes a “NO GO ZONE” for our ego, as his interpretation is that you will suffer again, and you can die in the process. It can sound a bit exaggerated, but that’s the way our ego works, dramatizing the situation.

Thank God I had the right people supporting me through this process. Thanks to my lovely husband who gave me the necessary space and time to solve old issues without judgment. And of course, thanks to my mother who did her absolute best for her five kids.

I am now feeling peace in my relationship with her as I was able to detach from my emotions (very old emotions) and tackle each situation accordingly. It’s a shame I had to wait for her death to start this healing process. But it does not make sense to regret. Past is over.

When I chose the name ‘Gioia Life Coaching’ for my business a few years ago, I did not realize how much it made sense. ‘Gioia’ in Italian, means “Joy”. My mother ultimately gave me the inspiration for this name! It’s funny how our subconscious minds works sometimes. In dedication of the love I have for my mother, I want to continue her joyful legacy, and dedicate my life to this goal.

“Mum, I honor you and wherever you are, I love you!”

Thank you Mamounette.

With Love and gratitude,

Fadila